Monogamy. What a dull word. It screams BORING. It can evoke feelings of confinement, it sends people who hate routine running for the hills. I mean, if you eat the same meal, however tasty, every day for weeks, it kinda loses its flavour, doesn’t it? So surely it stands to reason that if you’re monogamous, your sex life will eventually lose its spice just because you’ve had it so often?
It’s true that sex in a monogamous relationship risks becoming more like a comfort blanket after a while than satin sheets. But just because you have chosen to spend your days (and nights) with one person exclusively doesn’t mean that you have to put up with bland, passionless sex if you’ve been together for a long time. Regular sex with the same person can stay hot, dirty and wonderful over decades, given the right conditions. So how do we keep the thrill alive?
This sounds like an obvious thing to start with but togetherness, and all that entails, is the foundation that keeps great sex between two people great. Togetherness is having a strong emotional connection, holding space for each other in joy, sorrow and rage, and experiencing life side by side with ease and clarity of communication. A deep connection with that special person in areas outside the bedroom ensures that the magic can really happen inside it.
If togetherness lays the groundwork for fulfilling sex, really hot sex flourishes in separateness.
Desire is heightened through separateness. It harks back to the time when you and your partner were just getting together; when you wanted to know everything about them, see them all the time, and experience how they responded to you - it was exciting because they were unknown to you and you were peeling back each other’s defences, allowing yourselves to feel vulnerable. You were two individuals coming together and finding a wildly exciting place.
But as we settle into a more secure relationship, that frisson of uncertainty and insecurity can fade. We almost know our partners too well!
I always encourage my clients to see their relationship as something that they have created together and contribute to, and to not lose sight of the fact that they are an individual. The best sex is a moment where two individuals share something beautiful together, not two people who have merged so completely that the thrill you get from fucking someone not entirely known to you is lost.
Don’t do everything together, and don’t feel you have to share every bit of minutiae with your partner; it’s not good for your sex life. Keep your sense of individuality alive, and honour that in your partner, too. It’s not only good for your sense of self - it’ll drive your partner wild with desire.
With the emotional security that togetherness brings, and the knowing that our partner is different to us yet has created a beautiful relationship with only us, we’re now in a perfect position to deepen trust. Knowing that we can rely on our partner to keep us safe and secure can allow us to share our deepest desires with them; being securely held means we can truly fly. The safer you feel, the more you’ll let go!
Just as Togetherness and Separateness go hand-in-hand, Trust and Open-mindedness do too. When you and your partner trust each other completely, and feel safe to share your desires and needs, it really pays off to have an open mind. Trying new things together in a spirit of curiosity and adventure, rather than doing it just to please them (believe me, they’ll be able to tell) is where monogamous sex really comes into its own. Bringing new experiences or different dimensions into your bed will add richness to the connection you have between you, helping you discover new things about yourselves and each other in a safe, held way.
That being said, if you are uncomfortable with any request made, you must absolutely say so. There’ll be something else you can try that will be good for both of you.
It’s said that the happiest couples not only look back on the way they met in a romantic way, but they tend to talk about those days often. In so doing, they’re regularly reminding themselves what it was that drew them to the other person, and each time they reminisce they are reinforcing the good feelings that they have for them. Appreciation stops you taking them for granted.
I advise clients to talk up something about their partner that really turns them on, no matter how small. Firm hands? Yum … they feel really good on my skin, the way they touch my (insert favourite part here). The way they moan? Replay it in your mind. Hear it. Recall how their breath feels against you, how they toss their head. Savour it. They’re hot. So they might not have loaded the dishwasher tonight. But who cares? Because who makes you as wet, or as hard, as they do?
Appreciating what they do for you in the bedroom and immersing yourself in your favourite experience (or planning a new one!) is a great way to ensure the next time you have sex, you’ll be fully-engaged and ready.
There is a reason why you picked this person to share your life exclusively. Appreciate them. Be grateful for the person they are, and the time they’ve shared with you. Be open and receptive to their desires, and be confident to share your own - because far from being routine, monogamous sex can take you to blissfully sensuous places you would never have reached without the time and experiences spent in the bedroom together.
Photo by Avonne Stalling at Pexels